Les Mémoires
Susan, I know from your posts that you're still having a rough time, especially w/ all the girls' reminders. You are doing such a wonderful job w/ them, and I know it's so difficult when they ask why daddy can't come home. Children the age of your girls have no development yet of logic, or cause and effect, so if you tell them daddy is in the sky w/ the angels and stars, and then you take a plane and they are IN the sky, it's difficult to explain why they can't see daddy. Because you answer their questions in a way that they can comprehend, and share your tears w/ them, you are helping them so much more then you realize. But, I know how very hard it is for you.
Let me tell you a story that may help a little bit. Some years ago, when I was doing adult nursing, I took care of a woman who had suffered a cardiac arrest and subsequent resusitation. She told me that while she was being resusitated, she had an out of body experience. She remembers being drawn up into a column of white light. She said she felt warm, safe and happy. After she was revived, she told me what a great sense of peace and calm she now had. I asked here what it was like and where did the white light lead. She said "It's a place beyond imagination. I'm no longer afraid to die."
When I read that you were going to do a journal for the girls, I thought, why not a memoir, too? Susan, even in the depths of your despair, your postings are so real, so articulate and expressive, so full of honest, palpable grief. And there are so many beautiful tributes to Brad on these pages. Perhaps you could channel your grief and help others who've experienced a sudden loss. I'm thinking of John Walsh, who turned the grief over losing his son into "America's Most Wanted", Mark Klass who used the loss of Polly to become an activist and was instrumental in lobbying for, and getting passed, the "three strikes law", the mom who lost her daughter and channeled her grief into getting "Megan's Law" passed, so all sex offenders have to register, and then there was Amber Hagerman in Texas, who's mom was responsible for the initiation of the Amber Alert. These are just a few examples of how personal grief became catalysts for social change. Many people who have found this website say how deeply they are affected by your words, some, how you've changed their lives. A memoir would reach even a wider audience. Just a thought to tuck away....
I just hope you know how much you , Brad , Maddy, and Emma are loved and supported. I can probably speak for everyone who follows this site, we've got your back, we are here for you!
Hi Susan,
I knew Brad in high school and we kept in contact for a few years since high school. He would email me and keep me informed on his marriage to you, the birth of his children and every time he mentioned how wonderful you were and how proud he was to have you and the girls. He was an extraordinary man that I knew whoever got to marry him would be the luckiest girl in the World. It absolutely breaks my heart into pieces that you only got a few years as his wife. Your daughters are so beautiful and seeing them at the funeral kiss his coffin, still makes me break down. I have 2 daughters myself (age 5 and 1) and I could not imagine the pain of losing my husband. I cry for you and the girls every day. You all got ripped off. He was one of the best men I have ever met and I know he was an awesome dad. I am so proud of you, Susan. You are a great role-model to your girls. You stay strong but are not afraid to break down in front of them. They need to see your pain as much as your happiness. I read this website almost every day and I am so thankful you are honest and "raw" Take care...know someone in Oregon is thinking of you.... Lisa
Babe....today was a rough one (it's March 10th). I mean they are all "rough"---but the days when the girls show their sadness makes it almost impossible to get through. So, we were outside today playing with Rico bico...and out of no where, the girls go and sit down and they both start pouting and crying. I went over to them and asked them what was wrong..and maddy says to me "me and emma miss our daddy and we want him to come back". OUCH!!!!! I just took them both one at a time and hugged them as hard as I could...and the three of us sat there and cried (im sure Rico thought we were nuts!!!) For the rest of the day, both of them kept running to the wall and yelling your name and "hugging you". It just ripped my heart out each time they did it!!! I would give anything in the world to bring you back for them...for me...and for everyone else!!! Please watch over us Bradley....I love you!!!!
I have read the last two posts over and over again....Wow!!! I am truly touched by what you both have said to Bradley about me. I am usually not at a loss for words—but you both have definitely left me speechless!!! Thank you both from the bottom of my heart!!!! These last five months have been miserable… but one of the things that keeps me going is this website. When I feel like I am having a rough day… I get on here and write to him- and in some way I feel like he is reading it, and it puts me at ease for a while. I use this website as a sort of outlet to write my feelings—I know that they are raw, and very sad…but I just hope that I don’t bring people down when you all read it. What I am feeling is real… and I just want to share with everyone what’s going on in my heart…and mind (and one day my daughters will be able to read everything that I was feeling early on!!) Also reading the posts from other people to him and to me…is just amazing!!! I cannot thank everyone for EVERYTHING that has been done for my girls and I over the past five months. I know for a fact that I COULD NOT do it without all the love and support that I have been getting from everyone. Everyone’s words are so touching. We never know what life is going to throw at us…and I surely NEVER thought that this was going to be thrown at me…but I am taking it one day at a time. It just shows what type of guy Bradley was….sooooo amazing—by all the friends that he has…and all the new friends that I have gained!!!
So—thank you again—to everyone!!! Thank you for letting me share my feelings with you all…thank you for being such a strong support system!!! I love you all!
Brad,
Wow… five months have gone by and like Susan says it just doesn’t seem to heal the pain, loss and heartache all those that love you feel. I visit this site at least once a week to read Susan’s posts. She doesn’t realize what a wonderful thing she does by letting us all inside. Her feelings like the friend prior to my post stated are “so raw” and she is still in the shock phase as many still are. Your wife is truly amazing in so many ways. I wrote to Oprah about her. I know that sounds silly, but I did. Regarding an admirable strong woman…. The situation on which I was acquainted with her is something that no one wishes upon another, but her spirit is so touching I just couldn’t resist.
By reading her posts, we all see that she wishes that she were stronger, that she wouldn’t break down, that she thinks she is failing when she does… but if she could only see that all those things are natural when you lose someone as great as yourself… many who could not relate to the hurt and pain on her level still miss you and hurt for you everyday.. wishing things were different… I know you know this, and I know you are there for her in everyway you can be… Just continue to do what you do, and even though some may think your signs are a bit too much, I am sure she is comforted that you’re giving them to her… some are not as blessed to have such a connection that even after death they are still felt, seen and heard….
Susan is amazing, wonderful and so full of your spirit.. it is absolutely amazing… She is doing a marvelous job with the girls and is always there for everyone else… sometimes that is hard when she rarely has time to heal for herself… I am sure you see it when you look down on her, her eyes show it all… She is a woman of a unique character, a hopeful, loving spirit and a very kind soul…. There are very few “Susan Moody’s” in this world…. Brad just keep her lifted as long as you can…. She needs you more than anything in this world….
I will do my best to be there for her and the girls in anyway I can… She has so many “friends” there… I am sure she will never realize how many there truly are…
You are missed greatly …..
Hi Brad,
I have never posted here before. I usually just read to check in on Susan. Her feelings are so real and still so raw. Her heartbreak is so deep and painful. But you know that, that bond does not "just go away" just because you are gone. I know you see Susan and the girls every moment and that you are always watching over them. When Susan is strong you are there and when she is weak you are there. I think part of her hurt is that she really feels your presecnce sometimes (it doesn't help with all the little ways you "show up", that parts kinda freaky!) It's like there is an invisible wall and you can see her, but she cannot see you, but you are there. I love how you come to her in her dreams. It is sad, but I am glad she still sees you.
What I'm not sure you know is how good of a friend Susan has been. Even with all she is dealing with, she still finds ways to be supportive of others. I'm not sure she realizes how much she still has to offer the world. She has amazing thoughts and ideas and great plans for the future. But you know that, you chose her because she is such an amazing person. She is a great mommy to your girls and nothing is more important to her than their well being. She does her best even when she doesn't think she is. When she talks about you it is always with great respect, truth and admiration. Because of her life with you, it has forever changed her for the good and the bad. I think she is bound for greatness. When she talks about ideas the two of you had, she completely changes. She's more confident than I have seen her in 5 months. Keep putting those ideas in her head!
Continue to support her the only way you can now and know that everyone still here is doing the same.
Well Bradley....It's Saturday March 7th...and it's 7:55 am!!! It's been 22 weeks to the minute since that horrible day. Every single saturday I wake up---I think about that day that changed our lives forever. People keep saying that time is going to make this better...or easier---But why has it been 22 weeks, and I feel worse than I did on October 4th??? I miss you so much it's hard to even do the normal everyday things. I try with all that I have to keep it together for the girls everyday, but sometimes I fail....and just break down in front of them. When they see me weak I feel like I am failing them as their mommy....I should be strong for them (especially in a time like this). But you were always the strong one of our family...not me--so please, can you show me in someway how do this everyday life thing without you???!! I just keep telling myself that this all isnt real and your gonna walk through the garage door...and come inside and kiss me hello and tell me abou your day at work. Why cant that just happen???!! I feel like part of me isnt letting me accept that this is all happening. I dont want to accept this---ever. How do you ever accpet this....at 29, losing your husband and the father of your kids....
As much as I am hurting for me... Bradley I hurt so very much for Maddy and Emma. They will never get to know you in their own way. They wont have that "father daughter" relationship a little girl is supposed to have--and I feel so horrible for them!!! All of this is just so not fair.... but I guess life isnt fair, right?? Please watch over all of us....keep us safe Bradley....
Bradley...Five months ago!!!! it's hard to believe that it's almost been half a year!!! When I woke up today... all I could think about was that horrible morning...thinking of the drive out to the hospital, hoping and praying that you would be okay...getting to the hospital, with a little less energy knowing that you could possibly not pull through...and then ultimately finding out that you were not going to make it,,,(When the trauma doctor walked in and said that there was nothing that they could do….my body felt like it died with you!!!!) I know that I am only 29, but this is by far the WORSE thing in the world to ever have to go through. Losing my husband and the father of my children is something that I don’t know how to get past. Why did this have to happen to such a wonderful man like you?? You were so great in everything that you did—just seems so unfair that you were taken from this world so early. There hasn’t been a second of these past 152 days that I haven’t thought about you!!! I talk about you constantly to the girls…I want to make sure that they always remember who you are, and what an amazing guy you were!!! Madison does remember a ton of stuff that you two did together, and so I keep making sure that I bring it up to her daily… so that she never forgets her OWN memories of daddy!!! We still go outside and kiss you goodnight every night (even if one night I forget….Maddy reminds me, it’s the cutest (yet saddest) thing ever!!!) We took our first airplane ride this past week to Pasadena for the Police Chiefs conference—they paid a tribute to all the fallen officers of 2008. It’s was realllly amazing how they are honoring you baby. When Maddy found out that we were going on a plane….she got all excited and said “oooh we get to see daddy!!!” (she thinks that you are in the airplanes because they fly in the sky….she’s sooo smart!!!) So, I had to sit her down and tell her that we won’t be able to see you in the airplane…because your not in them—that you are in heaven which is in the sky. I told her that we could bring a picture of you and talk to you when we were up in the sky …. She thought about it for a minute and just said “okay mommy”.
Babe, we all miss you so very much. I love you with all my heart!!! Please continue to keep us all safe….
Hey Bradley...Well, Emmas birthday is over. Her party went reallllly well!!!! There were 84 people here... all the people that just love Emma!!! All day long, I of course thought about the day that she was born...how you were the best labor coach ever...I couldnt have done it without you!! I just remember when she was born...you had that look in your eyes the first time you held her (the same look that you had when you held Maddy for the first time!!!!) I will never forget it for as long as I live. As I sit here writting you...I am crying--looking at all the pictures of you on our computer desk...just thinking about how we will never get to see you again. It just doenst seem real!!! It just doesnt seem fair!!! I love you bradley....
Hey Bro,
I haven't written in a while, but I get on the sight every day! Two very special things happened yesterday; Emma turned two!!! Susan had such a great party for her. So many people were there to celebrate! It was awesome! Emma is like you Brad, her personality is you to a "t"! She is hilarious! You were always making us all laugh every chance you got! That is your baby girl!! Susan did such a wonderful job decorating and I know you know about the lady bugs, being such a significant thing in the family. She tried as hard as she could to have you there and to incorperate you into the birthday and you know the Moody family; lady bugs say it all and that is how you come to see us all!! There were almost 90 people there and and she gave us all lady bugs to send off to you from Miss Emma!! It was amazing!! I know you already know what a great job she is doing but I have to thank you for being there for her and mom, dad, Jamie and Jen in every way you are!
There was sooo much love there from everybody yesterday!! Brings me to the next subject! Your brother passed the physical and oral board! We are all so proud of him! I know you are too! Susan gave him your shirt and tie to wear during his oral board. It was nice for him to have a little of you there! We are all so proud of him. Looks like we might be moving towards your way!! Neighbors with the family! I just wish you were there! Brad, you are missed so very much everyday and every minute by all of us! I know you are thought of every second of every day and we would do anything to have you back. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it sinks in that you are really gone. It has been almost 5 months and still it is so hard to grasp. Your girls are absolutely beautiful, smart, and full of personality. You, I am sure, are so proud of them. They are truly amazing!! Keep shining down on them and all of us!
As for your brother, I know you have been there for him through this process but please continue to. He looks up to you, admires you and respects you even though you are the younger brother. All I ask , as his wife, is that you please keep him safe if and when he is out on your old streets!! Guide him, and show him the way! And if at all ever possible show him a sign that you are with him! It would mean the world to him! Love you Brad and miss you being here for EVERYTHING!
Your sis in law,
Michelle
Hey baby....so its 6am on February 19th....and I cant sleep. I just had another dream with you in it!!!! You picked me up somewhere ( I dont know where) in our car. Again I couldnt believe that I was really seeing you (I didnt have my camera though this time) :) Anyways--you were wearing clothes that I have never seen before---jeans and this blue shirt with white writting on it. I asked you if you needed some of your clothes...and you said "no this is all I can wear". Of course I started crying right away--and you said that "everything is going to be okay suze!"....which made me cry even more. I told you "how is everything going to be okay without you here....????" You then said--" I am always there Suze".....I asked you if you could hear us and you said "I can hear everything that is being said at all times of the day"....and then you started talking about how you heard the girls talking about you one day...and they were putting blankets on you because you were cold ....WHICH THEY REALLLY DID THAT!!!! I think that I was crying the whole time in the dream....and then you reached out and grabed my hand and started rubbing in....I woke up---because I thought that I really felt something on my hand.
Bradley...I miss you so very much--I wish that there was something that I could do to rewind time and keep you home on the 4th!!!! I love you so very much!!!!Please watch over us....
Bradley... I am struggling today---A LOT!!! With Emmas birthday this saturday, I am having a hard time doing this without you. How are we supposed to celebrate thier birthdays without you??? You were sooo the life of every party...and now I feel like none of them are going to be fun without you. I know that I have to do this for our daughters....but it hurts like hell......
Here are some pictures of me daddy....I miss you
Happy Valentimes Day Daddy...we know that we had the bestest ever daddy that there ever was!!! We love you daddy...and we miss you!!! But we know that you are in our hearts...forever!
Well... It's valentines day babe! So.... Happy "Valentimes" Day (hee hee... I think that I will always say Valentimes now becuase of you!!!!) This morning I went down to the crash stie and put a card and flowers and a ballon there for you! Eddie blocked off the street for me...which made me cry...but good tears! Just seeing the street blocked off with all the patrol cars just for me meant so much!!! Eddie told me that I could take all the time that I wanted. I think I sat there for a while just crying uncontrollably....then--I started talking to you--I hope that you heard me. I miss you so much baby!!! Everyday I think of how unfair this is!! Why did such a good person like you have to be taken away from us soooo early??? I love you Bradley.....
Susan,
I can’t count how often I have been on this site and how much I have read your words. I want you to know that Brad’s passing has affected me more than I could imagine. I guess it is because most cops become desensitized to the world outside of law enforcement to protect themselves. I have been shut in for a long time and my family has complained of how much I do not open up. Lately, I feel like Brad has been breaking me of that habit. I’m not so ashamed to cry and in all honesty, it felt good when I cried after the viewing. My wife and kids embraced me and I felt normal.
For weeks, Brad’s death has bothered me more than I have admitted to anyone. I can only image what you are going through. I had apologized to you after his funeral for not making more of an effort with getting back in touch with Brad. You told me that it was okay, but it is not. I should have tried more and I want you to know that I really wanted to be back in his life and to meet you and your kids.
I let this job shut me off from everything else and everyone else. I have not been like that since he died. I call my in-laws and friends on a regular basis, and I try to be more affectionate with everyone around me. I think that is what Brad is trying to tell me, “Lighten up.”
I want you to know that I loved Brad for everything he stood for and I can only hope to be half the man he was.
One day I will find the courage that you have, and I will tell you in person.
Moody, Moody, Moody....Man we miss you so much!
I've been crazy busy with work and moving but its about time to start planning for the 2nd Moody Memorial Glock Match. The 1st went off without a hitch...Weather in the low 70's so I know you lent a hand! :-)
Keep an eye on us and help make sure this one goes off just as good!
February 10th, 2009…..It seems like it was just February 10th, 2003…remember that day baby? That was the day that you sent me on your scavenger hunt to all the places that meant something to us---starting in the parking lot at Richmond PD….and ending at your parents house, where you got on one knee and proposed to me. That day was so perfect—you didn’t leave anything out!!! I felt like the luckiest girl alive.
As I sit here now…with a pit in my stomach—because I am not able to thank you for what you did on this day….6 years ago (like I have done every year since…)—I smile, because of the memories that I will hold onto from that day for the rest of my life. I remember every detail …. From the letters and poems and figurines… the way that I felt when I walked into your parents house and saw all the rose petals from the front door leading to the spot where you got on one knee and asked me to be your wife. I never thought in a million years that we would start our lives out with you in your "Class A's"... and then our lives together would end in your "Class A's"!!! When I look at the pictures of our engagment day, with you in your uniform...I can't help but remember the last time I saw you wearing it--how do I get that horrible image out of my mind???
Thank you Bradley—thank you for choosing me to spend the rest of your life with. I love you Bradley Alan…and even though this day is going to be extra hard—I will remember at 1:43 PM today, was the time where you asked me to marry you….. (Please give me the strength to make it through today…please!!!)
Every morning that I wake up...I think to myself that I wish this nightmare would just end.. and that I would just wake up to you laying next to me. I wish more than anything that we could wake up together when the girls do--and lay on the couch as a family...and all cuddle together like we used to. I wish that we could take walks as a family like we used to....I wish that we could all go to the park as a family again!!! I just wish that I could call you on the phone to see how your day is going at work...or text you and tell you that I love you!!! I charged your phone the other day and read your texts that you kept...and there was one from me--saying "I hope your day is going well....and i just wanted to tell you that I love you"....it put a smile on my face---but at the same time made me cry--cause I will never get to do that again!!!
I miss you so very much it hurts!!! I can't believe that this is really happening. Even though four months has passed---i still wish that you would be just away at K9 or SWAT school....but as the days go by...I slowly come to realize that your not away at school....and that your not coming back..EVER--and it just hurts so very badly!!! How could this happen to us???
Bradley--you were the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me, and now your gone!!! I am trying to force myself to hold on to the good times...but when I do that--it just makes me more and more depressed--because I know that there will be no more good times between us. I am trying my hardest to stay strong for our daughters--but sometimes I fail at that, and I am sorry!!! I just want to make you proud of me- I pray every day that I can do that for you!! But when I breakdown all the time, I feel like I am weak---and I am failing you--because you were such a strong warrior!! Please help me babe...please give me the strength to continue on....
Susan,
Hello susan, I am here at work, sitting at my desk and reading your beautiful words. I have never met you or Brad, yet you have both touched me in an unexplainable way. I am stuck in the detective bureau right now and not a day goes by that I dont look at Brads website. To be honest, thank god I am in the office alone, because I am crying like a fool and the boys would make fun of the sensitive girl. Your words and stories are so touching, they give me hope.
I have no idea what you are going through, but I can imagine the worst. But I would like to tell you that you are doing so good for you and your girls. I know of you and your family through Silvia M. SHe thinks the world of you and your family. I have a 17 month old daughter and looking at your beautiful daughters just makes my heart melt! They will grow up to be fine young women, who will know how much their daddy loves them and how brave he was. They are very lucky to have a mommy like you! You deserve a standing ovation!!!
I hope to be lucky enough to meet you one day and shake your hand and look into the yes of a very strong woman , who i look up too. Thank you.
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